2007-08 NBA Pooptacular Preview: CENTRAL DIVISION

I'm excited for the Magic's first preseason game against the Atlanta Hawks like a schoolgirl who just found her first crisp 2 dollar bill under her pillow from the toothfairy.

Alright, that analogy died about halfway through writing it.

Still, the season is quickly approaching and that means it is time to continue the NBA Pooptacular Season Preview! This time, we'll be focusing on Lebron's Central Division.

First, just to go through the daily Magic news, JJ Redick is apparently doing well with his defense. He better be, because Stan Van Gundy's hope for a defensive-minded guard make Trevor Ariza the favorite. I really hope that the D in DUI stands for "defense" so that JJ can play his way into the rotation. While my preference is still Ariza, I do worry about how much his shot has improved. We have a guy in JJ who is an amazing shooter and sucks and defense and another player in Ariza who is the exact opposite. I say we build a machine to combine them and call it a day. I'll leave that task up to you guys.

PREDICTED CENTRAL DIVISION STANDINGS:

1) Chicago Bulls

Everyone and their mother is picking Cleveland to win this division, but those same people make their picks by looking at last year's standings. F' em, I say! Chicago is my pick to have the best record in the East because their promising young talent finally is clicking together. Gordon is good (albeit a bit streaky), but Deng is really the cool cat of the bunch with the all-star future. I kinda think that he looks like Hellboy with his exaggerated brow and wide smile. Anyone else? No? Well, alright then.

2)Detroit Pistons

Detroit will never die, and since they are SOOOOO boring to watch I am going to silently hope for a big injury to one of their players. Perhaps Tayshaun Prince actually eats something for the first time in 10 years and it makes his insides explode? Maybe Rip Hamilton gets mistaken for Jason from Friday the 13th, or some other mask-wearer, and gets gunned down by the police? I don't know, but if someone would please break up this boring dynasty I would be very happy.

3)Cleveland Cavaliers

This is one team that I think will experience a major downswing in wins. Lebron is amazing, but his supporting cast really overachieved last year and will come back to earth. Toss in the fact that Sideshow Bob (Varejao) could still leave and you have a possible recipe for disaster. This team and the Heat will be the subject of "biggest dissapointment" in multiple annoying Steven A. Smith segments on ESPN. Ugh...I'm dreading them already.

4)Milwakee Bucks

Just how old IS Yi? A lot of people think he is actually in his mid-20s or older, but I will go even higher than that and say he is immortal. Why? Who else could have the power to refuse individual workouts against other players before the draft, post up a CHAIR for scouts, and still get drafted so high? I'm telling you that he is magical.
Besides Yi, this team is actually deceptively strong at a lot of positions, and they are a team that I am picking with an outside shot of making the playoffs. Redd, Mo Williams, Charlie Bell, Yi, Bogut...they have some firepower that could actually do something if it gels. The only thing that could ruin it is the soul-crushing crappiness of their team name.

5)Indiana Pacers

Speaking of crappy team names, the Indiana Pacers always struck me as a team with a minor league baseball name and logo. Unfortunately they are stuck with both since they've been around for so long and there really is nothing else you can use as a logo with such a bizarre ambiguous car name (maybe borrow that ugly horse with the muffler engines the Pistons had a while back?). This franchise and the Lakers have been my two least favorites over the year, so it's somewhat comforting to see them really struggling. Toss in the fact that they cut my boy Jasiki-VISCIOUS (I'm Lithuanian), have an upset Jermaine O'Neal, and little else and you have a team going down the standings at a quick...pace! Oh, what a delightful pun!

More previews next week and updates will be posted as they happen. Have a great weekend everyone!