2007-08 NBA Pooptacular Preview: PACIFIC DIVISION

Tonight Stan Van Gundy and the evil known as "He Whom We Do Not Name" (Pat Riley) square off for the first of many grudge matches this season. With such an interesting story line, it's amazing that the NBA is not televising this game nationally...and instead televising the games in China at 8am in the morning. David Stern will truly never rest until the entire globe is under the control of his synthetic balls.

Today we continue the season preview, going from the Atlantic to the Pacific:

PREDICTED PACIFIC DIVISION STANDINGS:

1) Phoenix Suns

Wondering if Phoenix will win this division is like wondering if the sun will rise (an unintentional pun there with the whole "sun" thing...God, I hate unintentional puns). Barring the explosion of the team flight or a season-long suspension for gambling, this team ALREADY has this division won and the season hasn't even started yet. The real question is whether they have the testicular fortitude to win it all finally. Every single person in the world is saying yes, but I am a little more skeptical...The team expected to win it all seems to never do it in the NBA.

2) Golden State Warriors

Golden State and the Lakers had the same record last year, but I am giving the edge to the Warriors this season. Why? To be honest it has very little to do with their solid draft and amazing playoff run last year and everything to do with my complete hatred of the Lakers. There, I said it. Baron Davis could be decapitated and I would still pick them here because (like the Patriots in football) no one wants to be that douche that predicts good things for the Lakers. On a side note, what an amazing turnaround for a team with a futuristic FTD florist guy logo. That just goes to show what wonders getting rid of Mike Dunleavy can do for you.

3) LA Lakers

It was reported recently that Jerry Buss has said he wouldn't mind trading Kobe. Everyone is on his back about it, but I will be the one person to say, "Jolly good show, old man." While talented, Kobe Bryant is just a damn child whose self-centered posturing does not translate into a winning team. He was obviously a different person during those championships, and you can see the timeline of when he transitioned from "hot-headed talent" to "complete dickhead" with the mass exodus of talent from the Lakers organization (Shaq, Rick Fox, Gary Payton, etal) If you want to shut your ears and sing to yourself while I write about how awful of a person he is, you can do so, but at least pick up Phil Jackson's book and leaf through it. While Jackson has quietly pushed a lot of his commentary to the side to work with Jerry Buss' daughter again, you can't ignore the things he wrote about how arrogant and crappy a person like Kobe was to work with. (Steps down off of soapbox)

4) Sacramento Kings

The Maloofs have worked wonders with this team. -And by "work wonders" I mean "driven this organization straight into the ground". The once-proud Kings are a collection of scrap metal from when they were good, with the exception of Kevin Martin. While their fans and stadium are still some of the best in the country, I don't know how many more years they can abide by a rapidly declining "Kermit The Frog Voice" Mike Bibby. It has been a few years without incident, so this may be the year that Ron Artest finally snaps and just disembowels another player. At least that will be worth watching.

5) LA Clippers

This franchise is back to its old crummy ways after seeming so promising for a while. I maintain that the bandwagon jumping by Lakers fans onto this team when they were good was one of the most shameless things I have ever seen (Jack Nicholson wearing a Clippers jersey? Are you kidding me?) Although they got Al Thornton in the draft, which was a pretty good move, they are playing Corey Maggette, Sam Cassell, and Cuttino "Steve Francis' Love Monkey" Mobley. Toss in the fact that Elton Brand (The executive producer of the Christian Bale movie "Rescue Dawn", no joke) and Shaun Livingston are crippled and you have the makings of a loooooong year. No bandwagoners for a while on the Clipper ship.

There you have it. Hopefully SVG and the boys in blue kick the crap out of Riles' boys. Updates will be added as they come up and otherwise have a good weekend everyone.