2007-08 NBA Pooptacular Preview: ATLANTIC DIVISION

Tonight the Magic play the Bobcats, a team that is also looking to make a splash in the Southeast Division with their acquisition of Jason Richardson. It will be fun to see Trevor Ariza play Gerald Wallace, a player most fans compare Ariza to. Similarly, Hedo will be playing against Sleepy from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

More talk of the preseason game tomorrow. I have internet, which means I am feeling mighty and can once again continue the website's preview of the NBA season. Today we look at the ATLANTIC DIVISION, a division known for its big name players, Isiah Thomas sexual assualt/horrible father claims, and briny salt-water scent.

PREDICTED ATLANTIC DIVISION STANDINGS:

1) New Jersey Nets

I know, you just re-read my pick to win the division. Most people think this team is on the downswing due to their age like the Heat, but I am in the minority that sees them winning the division this year. Vince Carter had a crappy playoffs, but that doesn't erase the fact that he was (when he actually tried) fairly good last year. Throw in a rejuvenated Jason Kidd, who has his awful wife off of his back and a medal with Team USA, and Nenad Kristic returning and you have a solid core. Richard Jefferson being fully recovered from a season-long injury is just icing on the cake. To top it all off, these guys know each other and have something to prove after being written off this year. I would be lying if I didn't find Sly The Fox to be one of the greatest mascots ever (and Mini-Sly, his midget counterpart...yes, really there is a midget working for the Nets).

2) Boston Celtics

It's hard not to pick the Celtics with the addition of Ray Allen and Garnett, but if the majority of sportwriters took off their rose-tinted glasses for a second they would see that there are three primary scorers that have to mesh and almost no talent surrounding them. Behind the publicity smiles and friendly handshakes you KNOW that each of the three is thinking to themselves, "I'm going to be the primary scorer...these two just don't know it yet." In a weakened Eastern Conference, don't be surprised if Boston gets into the playoffs, but I do not see them being the best team all of a sudden because they have 3 legitimate players on an NBA team. Pencil them in as a 5-8 seed and watch an injury to one of the three slow them down late in the season. Next year is when teams should worry about these guys.

3) Toronto Raptors

Colangelo is a genius for revamping this fallen franchise, but it will take a lot to get them to equal the win total from last year. The Raptors took advantage of a lot of games against a weakened Nets team, a crummy Celtics team, a hopeless Knicks team, and...well...the Sixers. Almost all of the teams (sorry Sixers) have substantially improved this season and the Raptors are no longer a team that opposing teams sleep on. While Bosh is a bona-fide star, and has officially replaced Dwight Howard as the guy who doesn't get nearly enough credit, the pieces surrounding him are not strong enough for a serious title run. Unless Bargnani improves a ton, something that could happen in the wild NBA, this team looks likely to suffer a setback.

4) New York Knicks

Living in New York, you'd think David Stern's favorite team had already won the championship when they got convicted sex offender and bells palsy sufferer Zach Randolph on their team. Anyone with half a brain knows that while they will probably improve with added confidence, this team is still on the outside of the playoffs looking in. Stephon Marbury is maybe the least fit person to lead an NBA team, including that guy Corky from Life Goes On, and the rest of the team looks like a who's who of underperformers for other teams in Crawford and Curry. David Lee is incredibly talented, and now he is relegated to the bench with the acquisition of Zebo (A guy who has much more trouble passing out of double teams than he does of ringing on the doorbell of everyone in his new neighborhood to tell them of his past). Mark my words, after a quick start this team will have trouble making the playoffs and will spend their offseason watch lottery balls drop.

5) Philly 76ers

I feel like in describing this team I am sitting across from a woman at a dinner table and breaking up with her:

Me: Listen, thanks for meeting with me tonight. We have to talk.

76ers: Uh oh. What is that supposed to mean?

Me: Look, I was thinking you would improve yourself this summer. You know, find those missing pieces in your life. This hasn't been the case as you seem content the way you are. The bottom line is that you've let yourself go.

76ers: I'm FINE the way I am. I have Andre Miller, Kyle Korver, Andre Iguo-

Me: Stop it, just stop it okay? It's a sign of how bad things have gotten when you list Kyle Korver as one of your best traits. This is just going nowhere quickly and you have to admit that to yourself.

76ers: We got Thaddeus Young in the draft! We traded for Reggie Evans! He likes to punch people in the balls!

Me: Do you hear yourself? I can't fathom how you actually believe the words coming out of your mouth (Gets up to leave, throws napkin on the table)

76ers: Don't leave. "Strength is derived from unity!"

Me: Know what? That is a shitty team slogan...this is over. Have a nice season.

76ers: (Sobbing) I should have never signed Chris Webber...