2007-08 NBA Pooptacular Preview: PACIFIC DIVISION

Tonight Stan Van Gundy and the evil known as "He Whom We Do Not Name" (Pat Riley) square off for the first of many grudge matches this season. With such an interesting story line, it's amazing that the NBA is not televising this game nationally...and instead televising the games in China at 8am in the morning. David Stern will truly never rest until the entire globe is under the control of his synthetic balls.

Today we continue the season preview, going from the Atlantic to the Pacific:

PREDICTED PACIFIC DIVISION STANDINGS:

1) Phoenix Suns

Wondering if Phoenix will win this division is like wondering if the sun will rise (an unintentional pun there with the whole "sun" thing...God, I hate unintentional puns). Barring the explosion of the team flight or a season-long suspension for gambling, this team ALREADY has this division won and the season hasn't even started yet. The real question is whether they have the testicular fortitude to win it all finally. Every single person in the world is saying yes, but I am a little more skeptical...The team expected to win it all seems to never do it in the NBA.

2) Golden State Warriors

Golden State and the Lakers had the same record last year, but I am giving the edge to the Warriors this season. Why? To be honest it has very little to do with their solid draft and amazing playoff run last year and everything to do with my complete hatred of the Lakers. There, I said it. Baron Davis could be decapitated and I would still pick them here because (like the Patriots in football) no one wants to be that douche that predicts good things for the Lakers. On a side note, what an amazing turnaround for a team with a futuristic FTD florist guy logo. That just goes to show what wonders getting rid of Mike Dunleavy can do for you.

3) LA Lakers

It was reported recently that Jerry Buss has said he wouldn't mind trading Kobe. Everyone is on his back about it, but I will be the one person to say, "Jolly good show, old man." While talented, Kobe Bryant is just a damn child whose self-centered posturing does not translate into a winning team. He was obviously a different person during those championships, and you can see the timeline of when he transitioned from "hot-headed talent" to "complete dickhead" with the mass exodus of talent from the Lakers organization (Shaq, Rick Fox, Gary Payton, etal) If you want to shut your ears and sing to yourself while I write about how awful of a person he is, you can do so, but at least pick up Phil Jackson's book and leaf through it. While Jackson has quietly pushed a lot of his commentary to the side to work with Jerry Buss' daughter again, you can't ignore the things he wrote about how arrogant and crappy a person like Kobe was to work with. (Steps down off of soapbox)

4) Sacramento Kings

The Maloofs have worked wonders with this team. -And by "work wonders" I mean "driven this organization straight into the ground". The once-proud Kings are a collection of scrap metal from when they were good, with the exception of Kevin Martin. While their fans and stadium are still some of the best in the country, I don't know how many more years they can abide by a rapidly declining "Kermit The Frog Voice" Mike Bibby. It has been a few years without incident, so this may be the year that Ron Artest finally snaps and just disembowels another player. At least that will be worth watching.

5) LA Clippers

This franchise is back to its old crummy ways after seeming so promising for a while. I maintain that the bandwagon jumping by Lakers fans onto this team when they were good was one of the most shameless things I have ever seen (Jack Nicholson wearing a Clippers jersey? Are you kidding me?) Although they got Al Thornton in the draft, which was a pretty good move, they are playing Corey Maggette, Sam Cassell, and Cuttino "Steve Francis' Love Monkey" Mobley. Toss in the fact that Elton Brand (The executive producer of the Christian Bale movie "Rescue Dawn", no joke) and Shaun Livingston are crippled and you have the makings of a loooooong year. No bandwagoners for a while on the Clipper ship.

There you have it. Hopefully SVG and the boys in blue kick the crap out of Riles' boys. Updates will be added as they come up and otherwise have a good weekend everyone.

Preseason Game 2: Magic Obliterate Bobcats

Bobcats = Hunted and killed.

Before the game last night I said to several people that this could be a preview of the opening night starting lineup, with Foyle and Redick in the lineup and Hedo on the bench.

Well, if the events that transpired were any indication, it would appear I was correct. Last night the Magic blew apart the Bobcats like Gallagher smashing a watermelon onstage with a mallet.

The final score read 123-99, a decisive 24 point win, but the score didn't do justice to the complete onslaught the Magic brought on. For the second straight game, JJ Redick played a TON on minutes and the team shot a whopping .641 from the field. Even video games have preventative measures against teams shooting that well as to not seem too unrealistic.

The stories of the game were almost all positive:

-Mr. Fohawk (right) Redick once again proved he deserves the starting role for now with a ton of minutes, decent defense on Jason Richardson, and shooting a wonderful 5-8 from three point land.

-The Foyle-Howard combo was incredible, totaling 24 points, 16 rebounds, and 6 blocks in less than 30 minutes of time. Foyle opened things up for Howard, who suddenly had the freedom to exploit the defense with a (surprisingly!) offensive presence next to him.

-Jameer Nelson had 12 assists and 2 turnovers, something that was unthinkable all of last year. It seems he finally got it through his liliputian head that he needs to dish the rock if he wants an extension. He has looked amazing the past two games. I say give him 2 more games like this and Otis' wallet will open sooner than Sharon Stone's legs.

-Rebounding concerns? This was the second straight game the Magic outrebounded the competition SUBSTANTIALLY. Fast break/effort concerns? The Magic blew apart the Bobcats in fast break points. Dwight Howard's turnovers a concern? He only had one. Really this game was almost perfect.

...almost perfect.

The lone shitstain on the night was Rashard Lewis getting injured for the second consecutive night. This time it was caused by him landing awkwardly on his ankle, causing a sprain that should keep him sidelined the next few games. It is imperative the Magic get Lewis involved so the offense can gel so these injuries are annoying as hell. It also goes without saying that such a highly paid player is now 0-2 for finishing games because of injuries. With that kind of money, you want someone who can be your go-to player at the end of a game and the Magic don't appear to have that right now.

All in all, a great night for the Magic and a wonderful output by both starters and reserves. If the trends continue after these two games, we appear to have found something special in JJ, Foyle, and a reborn Jameer Nelson. Glasslegs Rashard better heal up soon or he is looking at even more Grant Hill comparisons than there already are out there. Best of all, we got our first glimpse of Stan Van Gundy basketball the way it is supposed to be played and it was pretty incredible.

The magic is in the moustache.

2007-08 NBA Pooptacular Preview: ATLANTIC DIVISION

Tonight the Magic play the Bobcats, a team that is also looking to make a splash in the Southeast Division with their acquisition of Jason Richardson. It will be fun to see Trevor Ariza play Gerald Wallace, a player most fans compare Ariza to. Similarly, Hedo will be playing against Sleepy from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

More talk of the preseason game tomorrow. I have internet, which means I am feeling mighty and can once again continue the website's preview of the NBA season. Today we look at the ATLANTIC DIVISION, a division known for its big name players, Isiah Thomas sexual assualt/horrible father claims, and briny salt-water scent.

PREDICTED ATLANTIC DIVISION STANDINGS:

1) New Jersey Nets

I know, you just re-read my pick to win the division. Most people think this team is on the downswing due to their age like the Heat, but I am in the minority that sees them winning the division this year. Vince Carter had a crappy playoffs, but that doesn't erase the fact that he was (when he actually tried) fairly good last year. Throw in a rejuvenated Jason Kidd, who has his awful wife off of his back and a medal with Team USA, and Nenad Kristic returning and you have a solid core. Richard Jefferson being fully recovered from a season-long injury is just icing on the cake. To top it all off, these guys know each other and have something to prove after being written off this year. I would be lying if I didn't find Sly The Fox to be one of the greatest mascots ever (and Mini-Sly, his midget counterpart...yes, really there is a midget working for the Nets).

2) Boston Celtics

It's hard not to pick the Celtics with the addition of Ray Allen and Garnett, but if the majority of sportwriters took off their rose-tinted glasses for a second they would see that there are three primary scorers that have to mesh and almost no talent surrounding them. Behind the publicity smiles and friendly handshakes you KNOW that each of the three is thinking to themselves, "I'm going to be the primary scorer...these two just don't know it yet." In a weakened Eastern Conference, don't be surprised if Boston gets into the playoffs, but I do not see them being the best team all of a sudden because they have 3 legitimate players on an NBA team. Pencil them in as a 5-8 seed and watch an injury to one of the three slow them down late in the season. Next year is when teams should worry about these guys.

3) Toronto Raptors

Colangelo is a genius for revamping this fallen franchise, but it will take a lot to get them to equal the win total from last year. The Raptors took advantage of a lot of games against a weakened Nets team, a crummy Celtics team, a hopeless Knicks team, and...well...the Sixers. Almost all of the teams (sorry Sixers) have substantially improved this season and the Raptors are no longer a team that opposing teams sleep on. While Bosh is a bona-fide star, and has officially replaced Dwight Howard as the guy who doesn't get nearly enough credit, the pieces surrounding him are not strong enough for a serious title run. Unless Bargnani improves a ton, something that could happen in the wild NBA, this team looks likely to suffer a setback.

4) New York Knicks

Living in New York, you'd think David Stern's favorite team had already won the championship when they got convicted sex offender and bells palsy sufferer Zach Randolph on their team. Anyone with half a brain knows that while they will probably improve with added confidence, this team is still on the outside of the playoffs looking in. Stephon Marbury is maybe the least fit person to lead an NBA team, including that guy Corky from Life Goes On, and the rest of the team looks like a who's who of underperformers for other teams in Crawford and Curry. David Lee is incredibly talented, and now he is relegated to the bench with the acquisition of Zebo (A guy who has much more trouble passing out of double teams than he does of ringing on the doorbell of everyone in his new neighborhood to tell them of his past). Mark my words, after a quick start this team will have trouble making the playoffs and will spend their offseason watch lottery balls drop.

5) Philly 76ers

I feel like in describing this team I am sitting across from a woman at a dinner table and breaking up with her:

Me: Listen, thanks for meeting with me tonight. We have to talk.

76ers: Uh oh. What is that supposed to mean?

Me: Look, I was thinking you would improve yourself this summer. You know, find those missing pieces in your life. This hasn't been the case as you seem content the way you are. The bottom line is that you've let yourself go.

76ers: I'm FINE the way I am. I have Andre Miller, Kyle Korver, Andre Iguo-

Me: Stop it, just stop it okay? It's a sign of how bad things have gotten when you list Kyle Korver as one of your best traits. This is just going nowhere quickly and you have to admit that to yourself.

76ers: We got Thaddeus Young in the draft! We traded for Reggie Evans! He likes to punch people in the balls!

Me: Do you hear yourself? I can't fathom how you actually believe the words coming out of your mouth (Gets up to leave, throws napkin on the table)

76ers: Don't leave. "Strength is derived from unity!"

Me: Know what? That is a shitty team slogan...this is over. Have a nice season.

76ers: (Sobbing) I should have never signed Chris Webber...

Hawks-Magic Review...Eh, It Was So-So

The game last night had its high and low points. Most notably, Dwight Howard's play was the undisputed high point. The guy had 30 points, 11 rebounds and a bunch of blocks, and just simply dominated. Patrick Ewing's influence seems to be worth every cent at this juncture with Dwight actually not sucking at the free throw line and attempting (hold your breath) relatively outside shots. Ewing can take Howard to all of the strip clubs he wants if he gets that sort of production out of him. Clifford Ray, a super-popular Howard coach who was let go during the awful Brian Hill regime, might have just become an afterthought.

Another great performance was that of resident Magic poet Adonal Foyle. Easter Island Head had 11 points and looked extremely solid in a short amount of playing time. It seems like that pickup is making Otis Smith look smarter and smarter by the second.

-Oops, wait a second. Hold that last thought.

Rashard Lewis, the BIGGEST Magic splash this offseason was mediocre at shooting and left the game with leg cramps. My biggest concern with Lewis is him holding up playing at power forward for a full season, and this game was not very reassuring. Every Magic fan was ready to commit suicide by way of homemade guillotine when they read on yahoo/heard on the radio that Lewis was injured in the game. Thankfully it was not a big blow, but scary nontheless. Lewis said that he had a lot of jitters and was trying to hard, which is fine so long as he can calm down and become the Ozzie to Dwight Howard's Harriet.

Most Magic fans' (myself included) favorite part of the game was actually Stan Van Gundy's Jim Mora-esque post game quotes. Instead of doing the quiet, nonchalant press conference that Brian Hill and his mannequin-like predecessor did, Stan seemed to tear the team a new one. He called a few players out, most notably my least favorite Magic player Hedo Turkoglu on his lack of effort (Stan referred to it as 'seeming tired'). You can tell that Stan actually gives a damn about making the team better and has a real concrete plan on how to do so. He has become one of my favorite parts of the team, and not just for the dick jokes.

As for the battle at shooting guard, JJ Redick looked decent out there and Ariza somewhat picked up where he left off (A ton of rebounds and an absolutely AWFUL shooting performance). Stan Van Gundy said Keith Bogans looked crappy out there so he gave the others a shot, which is a good thing. After one game, it would appear that Redick has the inside track simply due to how many minutes he played, which was the most on the team. We'll continue to monitor this as it still is anyone's spot to win (-including myself. I am not ruling that out.)

We saw a good amount of James Augustine, who didn't completely suck as he shot at a high percentage. I'm looking forward to seeing more of Marcin Gortat, who seems more raw but also more apt to run with his high energy level. The chances of both making the team is good unless we can bring in a Chris Webber or another player to help down low. The Magic clobbered the Hawks in post points, obviously mostly due to Howard's god-like abilities. You can almost hear the over-anxious Magic fans saying to themselves, "I'm totally taking Howard first in fantasy basketball this year! No one will see it coming!" These same people will be the ones saying in a huff at the season's midpoint, "Why did I quit the fantasy league? Who wants to play a stupid game where free throw percentage is so important anyways!" Their faces when they say this will resemble that of Keyon Dooling's in the photo above.

In my opinion, this game was a pretty rough first one for a team undergoing what is looking like a major facelift. There were positives and negatives, but I have a feeling that things will really start to click once the team can get its minds around Van Gundy's gameplan. His gameplan MUST be good if he didn't even play Pat Garrity in the first game, right?

I'm already looking forward to the next game, and hopefully the team can rebound (both literally and figuratively). Until then, you stay classy...planet earth.

The Preseason Cometh! Magic vs Hawks!

Pardon the belatedness of this post, but the internet is garbage. On the upside, I should only have to wait until Wednesday for the high speed cable to be put in. I feel like I'm on a deserted island until then.

Let's turn to the subject at hand: Rarely does a game featuring Sheldon Williams generate any sort of interest, but this is the first game of the preseason! The Magic take on the Hawks and we finally get to check out some of the new players Orlando will roll out.

Here is a quick guide to what could be the starting lineups:







Probable Lineups:

Orlando:

C- Dwight Howard: We get to see our man-child grow another year. Sigh...they grow so fast!

PF- Rashard Lewis: 8 billion dollar contracts and hype motivate people...right?

SF- Hedo Turkoglu: Flip a coin and let's see if he is red hot or ice cold tonight!

SG- Keith Bogans: Flex position should see a lot of changes, but Bogans has been working hard.

PG- Jameer Nelson: Want that extension? How bad? (Dangles it above his head)


Atlanta:

C- Al Horford: Time to earn your stripes, rook. You get to play an All-Star in your first game.

PF- Josh Smith: Looks like the monster from Young Frankenstein, but super talented.

SF- Marvin Williams: Alright, he may never reach the lofty expectations, but he's improving.

SG- Joe Johnson: The guy everyone will be looking at for scoring on the Hawks this season.

PG- Speedy Claxton: Shifty guard who really has bizarre/wonderful team photo headshots.


Key Thingamajigs To Watch:

-JJ Redick's defense is the only thing keeping him out of being a starter. Will that improve, or will he just be one crappy DUI mugshot?

-How will the combo of Dwight and Rashard (Or Dwashard for short) work in an actual game situation?

-Who the F will rebound besides Dwight?

-Will Carlos Arroyo or Keyon Dooling actually challenge for the starting PG spot? Jameer's agent might kill them with a shovel.

-Hopefully all of our guys stay healthy, we see some promise out of our young guys (Gortat, Auggie), and some insight into who deserves that SG spot.

Go Magic!

2007-08 NBA Pooptacular Preview: CENTRAL DIVISION

I'm excited for the Magic's first preseason game against the Atlanta Hawks like a schoolgirl who just found her first crisp 2 dollar bill under her pillow from the toothfairy.

Alright, that analogy died about halfway through writing it.

Still, the season is quickly approaching and that means it is time to continue the NBA Pooptacular Season Preview! This time, we'll be focusing on Lebron's Central Division.

First, just to go through the daily Magic news, JJ Redick is apparently doing well with his defense. He better be, because Stan Van Gundy's hope for a defensive-minded guard make Trevor Ariza the favorite. I really hope that the D in DUI stands for "defense" so that JJ can play his way into the rotation. While my preference is still Ariza, I do worry about how much his shot has improved. We have a guy in JJ who is an amazing shooter and sucks and defense and another player in Ariza who is the exact opposite. I say we build a machine to combine them and call it a day. I'll leave that task up to you guys.

PREDICTED CENTRAL DIVISION STANDINGS:

1) Chicago Bulls

Everyone and their mother is picking Cleveland to win this division, but those same people make their picks by looking at last year's standings. F' em, I say! Chicago is my pick to have the best record in the East because their promising young talent finally is clicking together. Gordon is good (albeit a bit streaky), but Deng is really the cool cat of the bunch with the all-star future. I kinda think that he looks like Hellboy with his exaggerated brow and wide smile. Anyone else? No? Well, alright then.

2)Detroit Pistons

Detroit will never die, and since they are SOOOOO boring to watch I am going to silently hope for a big injury to one of their players. Perhaps Tayshaun Prince actually eats something for the first time in 10 years and it makes his insides explode? Maybe Rip Hamilton gets mistaken for Jason from Friday the 13th, or some other mask-wearer, and gets gunned down by the police? I don't know, but if someone would please break up this boring dynasty I would be very happy.

3)Cleveland Cavaliers

This is one team that I think will experience a major downswing in wins. Lebron is amazing, but his supporting cast really overachieved last year and will come back to earth. Toss in the fact that Sideshow Bob (Varejao) could still leave and you have a possible recipe for disaster. This team and the Heat will be the subject of "biggest dissapointment" in multiple annoying Steven A. Smith segments on ESPN. Ugh...I'm dreading them already.

4)Milwakee Bucks

Just how old IS Yi? A lot of people think he is actually in his mid-20s or older, but I will go even higher than that and say he is immortal. Why? Who else could have the power to refuse individual workouts against other players before the draft, post up a CHAIR for scouts, and still get drafted so high? I'm telling you that he is magical.
Besides Yi, this team is actually deceptively strong at a lot of positions, and they are a team that I am picking with an outside shot of making the playoffs. Redd, Mo Williams, Charlie Bell, Yi, Bogut...they have some firepower that could actually do something if it gels. The only thing that could ruin it is the soul-crushing crappiness of their team name.

5)Indiana Pacers

Speaking of crappy team names, the Indiana Pacers always struck me as a team with a minor league baseball name and logo. Unfortunately they are stuck with both since they've been around for so long and there really is nothing else you can use as a logo with such a bizarre ambiguous car name (maybe borrow that ugly horse with the muffler engines the Pistons had a while back?). This franchise and the Lakers have been my two least favorites over the year, so it's somewhat comforting to see them really struggling. Toss in the fact that they cut my boy Jasiki-VISCIOUS (I'm Lithuanian), have an upset Jermaine O'Neal, and little else and you have a team going down the standings at a quick...pace! Oh, what a delightful pun!

More previews next week and updates will be posted as they happen. Have a great weekend everyone!

Magic Maybe Not Even Looking At Webber Or PJ?/Schmitz Says Magic Good With SVG/Random Stuff

The fun thing about not having internet and going off of others' wireless networks? You are completely at the mercy of other people having their computers on! Fun, fun times are had by all as the blank webpage reads "Connection to the internet is not possible" all day. To make it even more enjoyable, Time Warner said they are unable to install television/internet in my new place until next Wednesday.

There is almost too much joy to handle!

Ah well, we'll keep today short because it's obviously already evening and nothing big seems to have come out today regarding the Magic. The only notable things came in HoopsWorld and Brian Schmitz's blog.

Hoopsworld is saying that the Magic likely won't pursue PJ Brown (no idea why) or Chris Webber (probably for the best). Hoopsworld has been wrong in the past, so I wouldn't take this as gospel but I would get read for a season with a whooooooole lotta FOYLE!

In Schmitz's blog, he says that the Magic having Stan Van Gundy instead of Donovan will pay off better for the team in the end. And...well...that's basically the article in a nutshell. I said the same thing about 4 months ago but I don't have a fancy moustache (which I will admit discredits me a bit).

With nothing really else to report, we will turn to some quick tidbits from my demented head:

-It's taking FOREVER to unpack in the new apartment, but there is a silver lining with this new place: The people who lived here beforehand left all of their outdoor furniture, which is super sweet because there is a table, grill, and other great stuff. If they try to come back for it I'm going to lie and say it all fell off of the terrace and smashed to smithereens...and then simultaneously combusted. Then I will feign an inability to understand English.

-I just got the Athlon Sports NBA Preview guide and it has some interesting things I didn't know: The Ft. Myers Miracle, the Orlando area minor league baseball team, had "Billy Donovan Night" after he left the Magic in the lurch. They gave out free waffles to be ironic, and offered all fans the chance to leave and get their money back if they could convince the attorney they had at the stadium (no joke). Only one guy left.

The guide also said Zach Randolph took off three games last year for bereavement over his girlfriend's cousin, who died 5 days earlier. On the third of his 3 games he missed, people spotted him at a strip club where he left without paying his $106 tab. Gotta love Zebo.

-Cam Cameron is simultaneously making this the funniest and worst season of Miami Dolphins football I have ever seen. So far, Ted Ginn hasn't started yet and seems like a waste. For those keeping count, the three players taken before AND after him are all starters for their teams.

-Before I left my old apartment to move I got on this weird kick where all I was watching was Survivorman and Man vs. Wild on the Discovery Channel. I have to say given the choice between the two, Survivorman is more authentic, but Man vs. Wild is SO much more entertaining in a silly Gordon Ramsey-esque way. I enjoy watching the guy eat live scorpions and describing what it tastes like in detail. Now THAT'S entertainment!

More tomorrow if God wills the internet to be cooperative.